My First Akashic Records Reading – Part 2

“They are ALWAYS there. The world you see while in a plant medicine ceremony is a more real world than the world you are experiencing now. Right now your perception is limited to what you can perceive with your senses, yet there is much more going on around you. In ceremony, while your brain is in a heightened frequency, you get to perceive more of what is already there.”

“So they are always there” Mary went on. “You’re just so out of touch with your emotions that you can’t hear them.”

It was getting loud and clear, and I was really starting to see this for myself as well – the extent of the rigidity that I wound up with.

She encouraged me to make requests of my guides. Ask for signs – whether in my dreams or concrete ones. And that if I’m not getting a clear message, to say to them “I don’t understand this, please give me a clearer sign” and to start to develop a language with them.

That was an interesting bit on spirit guides, and how perhaps the dream world is even more real than the physical world we move in.

I figured love and romance would be an interesting topic to discuss with a psychic, so I said to her…

“There’s something I’d like to ask you. Back in the day, I used to fall in love easily. I would make a connection and I would be fully in. It was often like a fairytale. And through my introspective journey, I discovered how being in this fairytale construct eventually always ended up being the demise of my relationships because the bar was set so high, that the moment there was conflict, and my partner would treat me the way a normal upset human treats someone they are upset with, I would decide that she doesn’t love me and leave. I’m happy to know better now, but for the last year or two, I’ve had a really hard time giving my heart away like I used to.”

“Alright, lets be clear” said Mary notably wanting to emphasize her next point.” YOU have NEVER given your heart away.”

(Oh she must really not know my life, I thought to myself.)

“Giving your heart away means opening up completely, letting the other person in to see your deepest fears, your deepest insecurities, to see every aspect of you while feeling safe doing so, and YOU have never done that in your life.”

(Whoa, maybe she does know my life.)

That hit me. It definitely resonated.

“You shut away the parts of you that you decided other people don’t like, and built this well-put-together identity that you use to show up in the world with.” she said.

At this point, I knew she was right. Through my introspective journey in the world of transformational coaching at Landmark I had seen this façade that I always subconsciously wore. I thought I had chipped away at it to the point that it was almost gone already, but by this moment I started to think that perhaps I’d only scratched the surface.

My ex-girlfriend came to mind at this point. In September of 2020, off on a wild whim, we took a trip to Cancun together for 2 weeks. She said she needed to quarantine in a different country for 14 days to be able to be let back into the U.S. on her way back from Brazil since Brazil had been declared a red zone and she asked me to join her.

I said, what the heck, why not? And went for it.

We agreed that we would avoid trying to fix the past or figure out the future, and that we would just enjoy the moment. Inevitably though, try to figure out the future we did. We both implicitly knew that this could be a perfect opportunity to salvage and rekindle a beautiful relationship.

We didn’t. A month later we both had our own reasons why it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t understand her reason though. Even while we were in Mexico together, she kept insisting that I wouldn’t open my heart.

“What do you mean? I arranged my life and came all the way here to be with you for two weeks. I did that out of love” I would argue.

“That’s not it.” she would say “You don’t understand.”

And I didn’t.

Not until this moment speaking with Mary, who held up to me one of the most profound mirrors I had ever experienced.

“Ok Mary, I see it. I see this rigidity that you’re talking about. What can I do about it?” I asked imploringly.

“You have to touch your pain, and break down or unassemble yourself in your pain.”

“Ok… How do I do that?”

“First, you have to understand that it is a voluntary process, you have to choose it, and it won’t be easy.

Second, you have to surrender to vinculo” she said.

(“Vinculo” is a spanish word that there is no english word for. I wasn’t very familiar with it myself so I asked her for clarification.)

“Vinculo is someone who is willing to hold space for you. For example if in this moment you were to break down sobbing I would hold space for you and your process, and therefore would be your vinculo. Human beings are creatures of vinculo” she clarified. “Like when you are in your plant medicine ceremonies, you can have the facilitator of your ceremony be your vinculo”.

“I see that in many of my experiences in plant medicine ceremonies, I have spent a lot of the time paying attention to all the intriguing pyrotechnics going on outside of me, as well as enamored by the the knowledge that seems to be available in those moments, and I begin to struggle to try to understand it all.” I shared with Mary.

“Yea, don’t do that.” She said, and went on to say the most useful advice in this whole reading. “When you’re in ceremony, put one hand on the ground, one hand on your heart, and with humility say ‘I don’t want to understand, I want to heal’.”

I don’t want to understand. I want to heal.

That became my mantra for the ayahuasca ceremony that coincidentally I had scheduled months ago for the following day.

Little did I know, that life after that ceremony would never be the same.

I will tell you all about it in the next article.