The Dance

The following is a conversation that took place on my notepad during an ayahuasca ceremony on Dec. 19th 2020. 

As weird as it might sound, at some point the words just started writing themselves. My hand seemed to take a life of its own. I knew the words weren’t coming from me. In fact, I began to label what actually was coming from me for my own records by writing “Cesar:” before my own notes so that I knew which words were my own. 

The rest of it came from somewhere else. One voice clearly felt like a femenine presence or energy. The other one, I’m not so sure.. it was a wise spirit. It could have been my higher-Self or some other great spirit, or God. Maybe they are all the same. I don’t quite know for sure. 

Some call this channeling. I never thought that much of myself. I just know what happened that night. I know I’m grateful for it, and that the profoundness of this conversation had a huge impact in my life.

At certain points in the conversation, you hear the plight of my ego in regards to my relationship with women as well as a very honest vulnerability from me.

The conversation below felt very intimate, and so I kept it private, close to my heart, for the last year and a half. It is until now that it feels appropriate to share with you publicly, and so I am happy to do so. Perhaps one day I might publish an in-depth interpretation of the conversation as I remember it.

I remember that Cesar well. He had so much love to give and so badly wanted to give it, but he didn’t quite have his footing. He also had been wanting for a long time to feel equally loved in return.

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THE DANCE  

Cesar Listen…

When you dance

flirt with Spirit.

Flirt with Me. 

Cesar: …Who is me?

She: I don’t have a face

You’ve tried to find me in other women,

And that is where you are foolish.

You won’t find me in other women.

You will only find me here,

within you.

Cesar: But I miss you when I’m out there alone.

She: That’s only because you haven’t learned to slow down and realize that I am with you always.

There is NO “Alone”.

Cesar: Wow, so I just severed my connection with you?

She: Yes.

Cesar: Who are you?

She: Hello! You can’t ask that silly.

I am mysterious by nature.

So you will never know me.

All you need to know is that I am with you always.

She: Divine Masculine moves with assertion. 

Keeping me not wanting you to [leave me or cross the line with another woman], is the dance.

By the way, Please ask anything, 

but don’t ask for no dance. 

I dance by Nature.

I say I don’t want you to, by Nature.

I want you all for me, by Nature.

Yes I know, I shouldn’t want you like this.

But I am a female.

I am the Divine Feminine.

Cesar: Thank you for showing me your pain Divine Feminine.

I want you to know, I welcome these moments,

the opportunity to be with you,

to hold you,

to remind you that everything is going to be OK.

Because I am here.

– Divine Masculine.

Spirit: You can flirt, but never cross the line.

She: You only cross that line with me,

Not even with her (your partner).

You can’t possibly expect her to be like me,

The Divine Feminine. 

It’s ok to want her to,

Because you’re human.

Just understand she won’t.

Honor her.

Praise her.

For she lifts you.

I will even show up for you through her.

But I am not her,

And you will always want me.

Listen, that doesn’t mean leave her.

Your place is with her.

We go back to this dance.

That is the dance of Divine Masculine with Divine Feminine.

She will want you ALL for her.

She will flourish with you.

Please, Cesar, stop expecting her to get it all together by herself, without you.

Your place is with her.

That’s Nature.

She shouldn’t be by herself.

She: The divine feminine understands.

She says “Yes, I know.

I know I can’t have you all for myself,

but I want you all for myself,

and I can’t help it.”

That’s Nature.

She: Also, stop expecting the Divine Masculine not to have a journey. For he is human in this life, and Yes, he has a journey. (things to learn)

Pachamama allows you to flirt with her with your every step. Honor her.

Cesar: Wow, I’ve kept everything so conceptual throughout my personal development.

I haven’t honored you Pachamama, for giving me life as well as this human experience. 

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Spirit: Your Ego wants to say “BUT BUT BUT

I want more than just her”

Cesar, it is ok for the Ego to say that.

Tame it.

That is part of your job.

You and me now allowed it to have its way and roam free and look at where it’s got you.

One woman will be your nurse. Honor that.

Honor her.

She has her own journey, and you will never understand it.

Honor her. Thank her.

The dance is part of your human Nature and both of you need to learn to be ok with it.

Be ok with the Dance between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine.

Give her her place as your queen. 

Female, woman,

You can’t expect your man to satisfy your every want.

For not doing so is his Nature.

Honor him when he DOES.

The divine feminine has to learn to choose her heart-break.

She aches.

That is her Nature,

And that is why she needs you (the Masculine).

Her nature requires having you by her side.

Cesar: I am afraid to end the mystery.

Spirit: The one pursuing the mystery is the wounded child seeking compensation.

Only you alone can give him that love and nurture.

Go do your Solo-Dance.

That’s what she admires in you.

The mystery will Never End. 

It is the juice that keeps the Human Ego alive.

Cesar: Here’s what you don’t understand woman, and maybe you never will, either way here is what I would like you to understand… 

That I am here for you now, and I will never leave you.

Yes, I will go sometimes, and flirt with her and with others. 

But I will never cross that line with her or with anyone. That line that I only cross with you. That line, THE line, which when I cross it, you get to be my nurse and nurture me.

You might not understand that, and you probably never will. But that’s part of the Dance.

Dance with the agony,

Dance with the pain,

Dance with the jealousy,

For that is what you came here for.

To dance.

Just don’t expect me to make it all go away.

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